Things that MUST NOT happen in Breaking Dawn
by Iamwiththewolf
Summary: Eclipse is over. And now? The sequel is in progress. Here are some helpful remarks for Stephenie. Meant to be funny!
1. Chapter 1

Things that MUST NOT happen in _Breaking Dawn_

I can hardly wait to read the sequel to _Eclipse_. Yet, I'm worried. Will it be as fantastic as the other novels? That's why I've decided to make a list for Stephenie Meyer, telling her what NOT to do, so she won't disappoint me!

**Warning: **This is not completely serious! Just for fun!

**Disclaimer:** Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight series. Good for her!

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**I'll punch Stephenie, if…**

1. Bella is turned into a vampire. (Oh, please save that for the next book or the one after that. Just don't let it end!)

2. Jasper doesn't get a major role in this one.

3. Alice organizes another party.

4. Edward cheats on Bella.

5. Mike Newton is an heir of Van Helsing.

6. Jacob imprints on someone else. (He should be doomed to be Bella's love puppy for eternity. Exception: If it's Edward – or me!)

7. Bella and Edward don't do IT.

8. … again

9. … and again…

10. Bella turns into that self-conscious whining thing she's been through most of New Moon.

11. Buffy has a cameo.

12. … and Spike doesn't.

13. Mike Newton doesn't admit that he is gay.

14. … and has always had a major crush on Edward.

15. … and on Jacob. But he'd never admit THAT.

16. Jacob wears anything else but cut-off jeans.

17. Jacob wears a shirt.

18. Billy dies.

19. Charlie dies.

20. Jane doesn't die. (That girl is just too scary!)

21. witches, wizards, trolls, elves, unicorns, dwarfs, centaurs, or other mythical beings appear. (For God's Sake, this is not Harry Potter!!!)


	2. Chapter 2

Part Two

Here are some more things that must not happen in the next book. – Oh, and please excuse my Mike Newton obsession.

**Disclaimer**: Not mine.

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**I'll lock Stephenie up in a wardrobe and give her plenty of time to think about her misdeeds, if…**

1. Bella dies.

2. Bella gets pregnant.

3. Jake doesn't return.

4. Mike Newton doesn't have a major role in this one. (Just kidding!)

5. Bella becomes an activist in the HSUS's Hunting Campaign.

6. Emmett's pre-vampire life isn't described in more detail.

7. Edward was secretly in love with the girl next door back in 1917.

8. The Hellmouth opens in Forks.

9. Jacob enrolls in Sky High.

10. … or Spenser.

11. it is the sunniest summer in Forks since 1756 and the Cullens go "camping" a lot. (Oh, thank you, Global Warming!)

12. Hugh Jackman claims to be a distant cousin of Sam.

13. Rosalie doesn't join the dark side for a few chapters.

14. there is a new girl in La Push.

15. a new vampire girl appears and joins the Cullen coven. (Gosh, I was so afraid that this newborn Bree would join them. Felix, thanks a million for killing her!)

16. The Cullen Boys get their first record deal.

17. … and Mike Newton desperately wants to join them.

18. … or be their manager.

19. Edward becomes human again.

20. Bella goes to the bathroom and doesn't just for once do anything else than wash her face, have a shower or puke. (Is she Jack Bauer or what?)

21. Sam and Dean Winchester visit Forks. – No, wait! If they DON'T visit Forks!


	3. Chapter 3

Part Three

And again some more "helpful remarks". So this is what _I_ think should not happen in the next book.

And, yes, I KNOW _Breaking Dawn_ is most probably the last new book of the series. But I just don't WANT to believe that!

**Disclaimer: **Not mine.

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**I will not do any harm to Stephenie, though she may really deserve it, if…**

1. Bella doesn't get herself into some serious trouble.

2. Lauren becomes a vampire.

3. there aren't enough pages describing Edward's perfect body.

4. the Volturi don't get a MAJOR role in this one.

5. Bella wakes up in an alternative universe where Carlisle has never been bitten.

6. Sirius Black is Jacob Black's real father.

7. Bella has a terrible haircut the day she's changed and her hair will be a mess for the rest of eternity!

8. Bella saves the world.

9. there aren't enough pages describing Jasper's perfect body.

10. The Wolf Pack get their first record deal.

11. … and sell more records than The Cullen Boys did.

12. … and the battle of the bands begins.

13. vampirism is explained as some genetic mutation.

14. there isn't some cool sword fighting. (I know, why should there be any at all? It's just, I love sword fighting…)

15. after James's bite, Bella's immune system has produced antibodies against the vampire venom; so she can't be changed.

16. Jacob joins the Covenant.

17. Mike Newton gets his own sequel.

18. Duncan MacLeod appears and claims to be the only Immortal left. (Oh, here's the sword fighting.)

19. there aren't more Esme and Carlisle scenes.

20. Bella becomes the new Vampire Queen.

21. dragons appear. (Yeah, Eragon is cute but he should stay in his own book.)

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**Thanks for reading and reviewing.**

**Yours sincerely,**

_**The "mentally retarded" "genius"**_


	4. Chapter 4

Part Four

This one is all about the wedding.

**Disclaimer**: I still own nothing, nor do I make any money with this. Your reviews are my only reward. ;)

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**As I'm told not to use any unpleasant phrases describing acts of violence, I can't tell you what I will do to Stephenie, if…**

1. Alice has hysterics when she realizes that the roses delivered are not crimson but scarlet and therefore don't match the table decorations!

2. someone has accidentally invited the Volturi.

3. … and Alice has to rearrange the seating plan, again.

4. Alice almost has a nervous breakdown when she sees that some of the guests who ordered fish now change their minds.

5. … and poor Jasper has a hard time keeping her cool

6. … and preventing the Volturi from feeding on the human guests.

7. Rosalie wears a dress much more glamorous, sexy and showy than Bella's wedding dress.

8. …and she wants everyone to notice that she is so much hotter than the bride.

9. Emmett can do nothing but agree, naturally. Yet, he is somewhat pissed off because Edward hasn't asked him to be his best man.

10. … yet, he has got a license from the internet and is now eager to wed Bella and Edward.

11. Bella stands Edward up at the altar because…

12. … Alice has been so busy organizing everything that she has forgotten to fetch Bella or

13. … because someone has locked Bella up in the closet

14. … and all fingers point at Rosalie

15. … who pouts and blames an obsessed fangirl who wanted to take Bella's place in the ceremony.

16. everyone wonders why the gigantic ice-crystal swans don't start melting. - Well, the budget for the wedding was BIG and these swans are not made of ice.

17. Carlisle is trying to have "_that talk"_ with Edward, explaining the "duties of a husband" to him.

18. … and Edward is trying to evade him as he is reading Carlisle's thoughts, while he is blushing deeply though he knows that that is impossible.

19. when the sentence "If anyone knows of a reason why the couple should not wed, speak now, or forever hold your peace" is uttered, someone clears his throat, ready to speak…

20. … and it's not Jacob.

21. … and not the Volturi, who look up – rather puzzled – from feeding on the flower girls.

22. … but it's Mike Newton!

23. … yet, he doesn't declare his love for _Bella_…

24. … but his secret relationship with Edward…

25. … and then starts that ending song from the movie _The Graduate_…

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I'm actually thinking about turning this into a story… What do you think?


	5. Chapter 5

Part Five

For those who wanted me to do the wedding story: Thanks for your moral support and: I'm working on it! Yet, somehow Mike Newton got in my way…

And special thanks to SpookyKat87 for being my 50th reviewer!

**Disclaimer:**Neither do I own any of the fictional characters nor of the real people mentioned here.

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**I will count till 100, breathe slowly in and out again and commit no act of violence, though I really want to, if…**

1. Bella has an identical twin that no one, not even Charlie or Renée, knew of.

2. Bella is cloned. (I'm actually writing a story on that... Yep, I'm weird.)

3. Rosalie doesn't win the beauty pageant.

4. … or becomes America's Next Top Model.

5. … or is elected Homecoming Queen.

6. Mysterious incidents in the Seattle area lead to the reopening of the X-Files.

7. Mike Newton releases his first record.

8. … and is announced to be the support act on The Cullen Boys' European tour.

9. … however – though a success with the critics – his album is a major commercial failure.

10. Forks is invaded by a film crew shooting a movie called _Moonlight_ or _Daylight_ or _Starlight_ or something else with _light_ in it.

11. Lauren so much wants a role in that movie.

12. Rosalie is offered _any_ role in that movie.

13. … but she prefers pursuing her modeling career

14. … and is also planning on releasing a solo album.

15. Emmett starts calling Edward Teddy.

16. Bella is puzzled because Edward speaks French to her and is no longer reluctant to become more "intimate", until Carlisle saves her from Gaspard Ulliel.

17. Edward is being stalked by a bunch of obsessed fan girls.

18. … who've actually been hired by Bella so that he'll know what it feels like being constantly watched. That'll teach him! ("Great" idea, Bella…)

19. Bella gets raped in Port Angeles a.k.a. Rape Capital of the Northwest.

20. Bella gets raped by Mike. (Hello? Which part of MIKE NEWTON IS GAY did you not understand?!)

21. Edward wonders why he is suddenly able to read Bella's thoughts and why Bella is constantly talking to God and claiming that He is giving her weird commands, until Alice tells him it's not Bella but Amber Tamblyn. _(I wrote this one before they announced Kristen Stewart to play the part of Bella in the film. But I've decided to stick to Amber, because she is my Bella, and because a weird girl talking to God personified as the janitor, an annoying little girl or a cute guy at your school is way more fun than a weird girl locked in the panic room with Jodie Foster.)_

22. the Cullens don't do family therapy! (Read vjgm's story and you know why they have to! – Oh, but I guess you've all already done that. Look at the number of the reviews for her story. I have to admit, it makes me a tiny little bit jealous…)

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**Please review and please DO flame me for my movie cast! ;)**


	6. Chapter 6

Part Six

This one is all about turning Bella into a vampire.

**Disclaimer:** I still owe nothing but my insane mind.

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**I will XXX and XXX, and possibly also XXX, if…**

1. Bella is turned into a vampire. (Yeah, I can be very stubborn. I don't want it. And you shouldn't either, if changing her into a vampire means any of the following things as well!)

2. Bella's vampire power is to become invisible. Doesn't mean she is really invisible, she just makes others believe she isn't there. (Quite fitting though, I must admit, as she often thought herself to be that insignificant during her human life…)

3. Bella's vampire power is to have babies. (So much for feminism.)

4. Bella's vampire power is to block any other vampire's powers. (quite likely, though.)

5. Bella becomes an elemental. (sure…)

6. Bella doesn't have any vampire super powers at all.

7. Bella kills some innocents as a newborn.

8. Bella kills Charlie, Renée, or Angela

9. … but doesn't kill Lauren or Jessica.

10. Bella bites Jake and turns him into Super Werewolf Vamp Boy.

11. Bella starts a serious fight with Rosalie and wins.

12. Bella starts a serious fight with Emmett and wins.

13. Bella starts a serious fight with Edward and wins.

14. Bella starts a serious fight with Jasper and wins.

15. Bella starts a serious fight with Alice and wins.

16. Bella starts a serious fight with Carlisle and wins.

17. Bella starts a serious fight with Esme and loses! Who would have thought that!

18. Bella accidentally turns Mike Newton into a vampire.

19. Bella fights crime and evil in Port Angeles as Super Vamp-y-Bella

20. … together with Super Werewolf Vamp Boy.

21. … and their sidekick is I-want-a-fancy-superhero-name-Mike.

22. They find a cure against vampirism.

23. Bella fights Buffy.

24. … and dates both Angel and Spike.

25. Bella as vampire realizes that she is actually too beautiful for Edward and leaves him for Aro.

26. … and now rules Volterra.

27. … and thus I-still-haven't-got-a-cool-vampire-superhero-name-Mike can have Edward. (Hooray for Team Mike!)

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**Thanks for reading! This one was rather Bella-centric…**

**Anyways, drop a review, will you?**

**And the "Who is Mike's perfect partner?" **_**poll**_** is still open on my profile page. Make sure to vote. – Perhaps give Mike and Edward a vote. Mike would be soooo happy…**


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